Press Gnome Read online

  Press Gnome

  Skyler Wood

  Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Afterword

  Copyright © 2019 Skyler Wood

  All rights reserved.

  This novel is a work of fiction. All characters, places, and incidents described in this publication are used fictitiously, or are entirely fictional.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted, in any form or by any means, except by an authorized retailer, or with written permission of the publisher. Inquiries may be addressed via email to [email protected]

  Cover designed by Tom McGrath

  Edited by Polgarus Studio (www.polgarusstudio.com)

  Electronic edition, 2019

  Created with Vellum

  1

  Cosmo blinked as he was led into the throne room by a burly orc. Big, muscular, and grumpy seemed overkill for intimidating Cosmo—who being a gnome could only lay claim to being one of the three.

  The evil queen was sprawled out in her throne. Ridiculously sinister black attire had its effect ruined by how totally bored she appeared. It was hard to be imposing when you were half asleep.

  "And what is this one guilty of?" asked the queen.

  A solemn-looking elf stepped forward. He looked uptight, as if desperately trying to compensate for his monarch's slouch, standing so rigid he nearly trembled with the effort.

  "Cosmo Cogspinner. He stands accused of fraudulently selling elixirs to the village of Elnok to cure them of the phage," said the elf, named Svenal.

  Cosmo unleashed his best smile. "I'll point out that nobody in Elnok now has the phage."

  "Because they transformed into toads," the elf said reprovingly, with a stern look.

  Vanya, the queen, gave an airy wiggle of her fingers to show she was, improbably, even more bored than she was seconds ago.

  "Sounds cured. What else have you got?" Vanya asked.

  "Forgery. When captured, he presented a badly hand-written note saying it was a pass good for the dismissal of one crime," said Svenal.

  "One just got dismissed, didn't it? Thank you, Your Majesty, for honoring it," Cosmo said, working that smile extra hard. It was starting to tremble almost as badly as the elf.

  "I'll go with his logic on this one. Not fraud if it happened. You're two for two, Svenal. I do hope you have something more and this hasn't been a total waste of my time?" Vanya asked.

  "He won twenty crowns from his guards at cards. They feel he may have cheated," Svenal said, looking rather uncomfortable. "That charge was more of an addendum to influence judgment on the others."

  "Gnome, stay. Others, leave us," Vanya said with a lazy yawn and stretch.

  The others hastily made their way out of the throne room. They were no sooner gone than Vanya was out of her throne, stepping forward to peer down at Cosmo. The queen was human, and she towered over the gnome.

  "Tell me, Mister Cogspinner. Are you a liar?" Vanya asked.

  "This one of those trick questions, Majesty? Like I tell you yes, and you leave through the other door? I'm not really that kind of gnome, the puzzle-door sort," Cosmo said.

  "Yes, that is exactly the sort of answer I was hoping for," Vanya said, turning away and sitting on her throne once more, crossing her legs. "Judging by your accent you aren't a Pipopolis native. Spinnerton?"

  Cosmo was rather impressed, and worried. From what he'd heard Vanya was only recently on the throne and was by all accounts a lazy, foolish, and utterly unaccomplished young woman. Her posture had totally changed since the others left the room, and he'd only met one or two humans in his life that could place a gnomish accent.

  "You know your accents," Cosmo said.

  "I need someone that can tell a truth from a lie, Mister Cogspinner. I need someone that knows the thin line between them," Vanya said.

  "We just concluded I'm a law-abiding citizen," Cosmo said, taking a step backward. "And really, I've more perfectly legitimate potions to sell."

  "Mister Cogspinner, I'm an evil queen. Do you know the best part about that? It doesn't actually matter if you are guilty or innocent," Vanya said, flashing her own best smile.

  Cosmo thought that she'd gotten that intimidation thing straightened out in a hurry.

  "How may I serve, Your Majesty?"

  "First, the standard provisions. While arbitrary execution is always on the table, I do value the service of the useful, and I reward that service accordingly. I trust this has you feeling both afraid and greedy?" Vanya asked.

  "More afraid, Majesty. I haven't gotten to the greedy yet. Short legs, takes me awhile," Cosmo said.

  "Well, catch up, Mister Cogspinner. My city is under a great many threats, but one is particularly insidious. It panics the people, ruins the wealthy and powerful almost overnight, and threatens the entire kingdom."

  "And you want to turn it into a toad?" Cosmo asked hopefully.

  Vanya stared at him for a long moment with her brow furrowed. "No, Mister Cogspinner. A novel solution, but I fear in this case it would be ineffective. Have you heard of the Pipopolis Times?"

  "It sounds very ... err ... chronological," Cosmo said.

  Vanya again gave Cosmo one of those stares. "You are full of interesting observations, Mister Cogspinner. I suppose that it was chronological. It was our newspaper, printed sheets containing all the news and opinions of the day condensed for public consumption. The Assembly shut it down five years ago."

  That was before Vanya's reign. Cosmo thought that might have been during the era of Good King Eadok. Pipopolis was located halfway between the great city-states of Brightpip and Darkpip, and tended to alternate between good and evil rulers. If there was one thing the people of Pipopolis could agree on, it was their complete inability to agree on anything.

  "And you dislike the Assembly, Your Majesty?" Cosmo asked.

  "No being insightful, Mister Cogspinner. Not with me, I won't stand for it. The paper was run by certain titans of the industrial variety and the Assembly thought it made them far too powerful. You, I expect, will be less frightful. You are to restart the paper," Vanya said.

  Cosmo gave a weak smile and was about to utter some words of protest, but Vanya held up a hand.

  "You are, I am sure, about to say you are totally unsuited for this task. I counter with how totally suited I am to order executions. I'll see you are provided with assistance," Vanya said.

  Cosmo had to give it to the young queen—she knew how to recruit talent.

  "Yes, Majesty," Cosmo said.

  "You will face dangers. Beware the free press. Go and send the boring people back in," Vanya said with another finger-waggle.

  Cosmo wasn't an idiot, and he went as fast as his tiny legs would carry him.

  2

&
nbsp; "Eight ..." Svenal said, as the elf carefully and oh-so-slowly dropped another silver coin with a clink into the pouch.

  "You realize that being slow and annoying doesn't actually work when you are counting out my money? It just makes me savor every moment that much more," Cosmo said, bouncing up and down happily.

  "Nine ..." Svenal said with the solemnity of one who wouldn't be denied his stubborn sort of fun.

  "Ignore him. We all do," came a voice off to Cosmo's side. Cosmo looked up. The woman looked almost human, if it weren't for the forked tail and overly imperious bone structure. Some kind of demon, then.

  "Ten ..." Svenal said.

  Cosmo reflected that if he was going slowly, at least he was going in the right direction.

  Svenal passed over the pouch of coins with a ponderous slowness.

  Cosmo tucked the pouch into a pocket.

  The demon beamed a smile that some people would have found fairly devastating. "I'm Vex. I'm going to be watching out for you. Succubus, and a secretary, I'm very talented."

  "Talented at being a bad influence on Her Majesty," Svenal said.

  "Our evil queen. So everything is reversed. Bad influence is good, and that means I'm amazing to have around," Vex said, gesturing to Cosmo. "Come on."

  Given how the day had started Cosmo was quite happy for any escape from the palace that didn't have him in chains. Vex led him through the servants passages, not that there seemed too many servants.

  "Dead around here," Cosmo said.

  "Royalty is kind of an accessory these days. Assembly makes all the real decisions. Boy, did I make the wrong decision about where to try and get ahead," Vex said.

  "She do this often? Give random people jobs?"

  "Mostly she just slouches and sighs a lot," Vex said cheerfully.

  The streets outside the palace were busy. Pipopolis was a crowded city. It had that scruffy look that suggested its best days were far behind it, but as any real student of history could tell you, Pipopolis never actually had any.

  "You seem to know your way around," Cosmo said.

  "I'm a local. Born and raised in The Deeps. That's the lower city. Lots of demonspawn there," Vex said. "So why don't you know the place? The city is made for a conman. Everyone here is stealing or selling something."

  "I'm really not a conman. I mean, not intentionally. I'm an engineer—most of us gnomes are engineers."

  "Big city? Lots of technology?" Vex asked. The crowds were growing as she led the way into the manufacturing district. Golems slumped along the streets in grimy coveralls, their footsteps shaking the ground.

  "Magicity. These days it's almost all magicity. You want a proper cog, real machinery, you've got to stick to the countryside," Cosmo said.

  "Ah. You're one of those people that think old things were better than new things, because you're old," Vex said.

  "Magic is unreliable, dangerous, and ... dumb."

  Vex came to a stop outside a structure. The towering, gray edifice was stained dark with soot from the surrounding factories. "Pipopolis Press" was emblazoned in faded letters along one wall.

  The main entrance hadn't been so much locked as bricked up, thick heavy stone completely sealing off any way into the building.

  "And fun, right? I should be a mage," Vex said, tapping on the bricks blocking the entrance. "Too bad I'm not one now. I didn't know they'd done this."

  "Someone really wanted to make sure this place was shut down," Cosmo said, looking over the building. "Let's go around. See if there's another entrance."

  "If they wanted to make sure this place was shut down, they should have burned it," Vex said with a sniff.

  The building had nothing in the way of windows. Really, it was built a bit like a fortress.

  They had some luck as they came around the back. There was a loading dock designed for carts to use. Several sets of wide doors had once swung open, although they too had been blocked up. At least, all apart from one. Something had torn both door and bricks apart and left a gaping hole.

  "Looks like someone decided to loot the place," Vex said.

  "Look at the bricks. They're scattered outside and not inside. Something broke out, not in," Cosmo said.

  "Cool," Vex said, crouching down to enter through the hole. No kneeling was needed for Cosmo to follow behind her.

  The interior was lit with the sort of garish, white light that made everything it touched that little bit uglier.

  "Magicity-powered lights," Cosmo said, hearing the distaste in his voice and doing his best to add just a little bit more to make it extra-clear how he really felt.

  The effort seemed wasted on Vex, who was holding her hand up and giving a little shudder. "This place makes even me look bad. We can do something about this, right?"

  "Just how much authority do I have here?"

  "I mean, the queen told you that restarting this place was your job. I figure you have unlimited power, boss—at least until you piss off somebody actually important," Vex said.

  Cosmo had spent his whole life trying to turn bad hands into good ones. All it took was a little bluster, a little creativity, and a really good bluff, and any hand could become a winner.

  "We might have to keep the lights, at least for now. We need to figure out how this place works and how it did what it did," Cosmo said.

  "Big plans, boss. Any ideas on the how?"

  "You said you're a secretary. Find accounting. If this place shut down suddenly, I bet somebody out there still owes us money. Find out who. Ten marks isn't going to cut it. Then see if you can get us a list of employees," Cosmo said.

  "You're not bad at this. What will you be doing?"

  "All this magicity isn't for nothing. There's machinery here. I'm going to have a look and see what I can figure out," Cosmo said.

  3

  Right now there was no reason to split up, since they still had no idea exactly where they were going. The only indication was the hall itself. Here, near the loading docks, it was wide and continued that way in one direction, while at the other end it narrowed after passing through a doorway.

  Cosmo thought it likely what he sought was down the wider hall. This place would have had two functions. Printing the newspaper and writing the news. The wide hall was clearly to transport newspapers, and so whatever printed them must be at the other end.

  Cosmo was curious to see the machinery, but he wanted to fully know just what kind of mess he'd gotten himself into first. It might be better to try making a winning hand out of this—it might be better to fold and run as fast and far as he could.

  Cosmo and Vex headed down the narrow hall.

  "So why did you get sent to help me? Reward? Punishment?" Cosmo asked.

  "I asked. I thought, when we got an evil queen, that court would be a good place for an ambitious young demoness like myself. Not so much. You're the most interesting thing to happen since I've been there," Vex said.

  A social climber. Cosmo didn't really understand that. Gnomes didn't really have a high society.

  The narrow hall ended in a massive room filled with desks. Papers were scattered everywhere. There was a thick layer of dust, but otherwise it seemed like business had just been abandoned in the middle of the day.

  "Doesn't look like much, does it?" Cosmo asked.

  "Neither does the palace where people do real work. Let's keep going," Vex said.

  Numerous offices lined the main room. One was prominently labeled, "Chief Editor".

  Cosmo had a look inside, seeing an enormous desk and a full bar along one wall.

  "Looks like your office, boss. You a drinker?" Vex asked.

  "Look at me. One drink and I'm drunk," Cosmo said.

  "So jealous," Vex said, with her tail lashing. "You don't want to know what it takes to get a demon drunk."

  Cosmo took a moment to search through the desk. There were some papers, an appointment book, and a ring of keys. Everything was set aside except for the keys, which he tucked in a pocket.


  Vex was busy trying to figure out how to fit a bottle of booze into her pockets. It wasn't working very well. Succubi tended to like their clothes skin-tight.

  "Leave it," Cosmo said.

  Vex gave him a woebegone look, but returned the bottle to the bar and they resumed their trek. A short hall led them to the main entrance.

  While from the outside the building hadn't looked like much, someone coming through the main doors would have been awed by the interior. Two stone manticores, one in black and one in white, flanked a giant stylized model of Pipopolis. The room had the sort of overabundance of marble and gold used to make it thoroughly clear how important a place was.

  "This isn't right, boss," Vess said with a look around the room, her hands on her hips.

  "This is old, right? Imperial?" Cosmo asked.

  Gnomish history lessons were usually more on the evolution of the cog, or hammers, through the ages. Still, it was hard not to know about the Empire given it once covered this whole face of the six-sided world.

  "It isn't the history that's wrong. The people of this city will steal anything that isn't nailed down. We have a major branch of the Thieves Guild just filled with aspiring young students and yet all of this is untouched?" Vex asked.

  "The front entrance is sealed. Maybe they didn't notice?"

  "I once saw someone open their window to get some air, and three people dove in to rob them. They'll have noticed this place."

  "Nothing more to see here. Let's go the other way. Maybe it's got a bad reputation? You're a local, what have you heard about this place?" Cosmo asked.