Press Gnome Read online

  "This place was dedicated to the truth. Everybody knew it, and everybody who wanted to know what secrets others were hiding trusted this paper to dig them out," Vex said.

  "I'd be afraid of that, but the ghost of good principles doesn't seem like much of a threat."

  Vex was quiet for a moment. "There have been rumors lately. I heard them even in the palace. Places broken into in the night, and news sheets left all over the neighborhood the next day revealing their secrets."

  "Hmm," Cosmo mused. "Let's go back and see what was the other way. Stick with me?"

  Cosmo wasn't sure just how much of a threat Vex was physically, but he was fairly sure she was more dangerous than he was, if something was lurking in these halls.

  They returned to their original entry point and moved down the wider hall. They soon came upon storerooms lining the hall, crates piled high inside. Several has been smashed open. Clay pots that looked to contain ink, judging from the stains surrounding one that had been shattered. In a different room they found others, and papers mixed among the wooden splinters of broken boxes.

  "This looks like thieves were here. If this were done while the place was still in business someone would have cleaned it up," Cosmo said.

  "Maybe," Vex said, kneeling down to study the wrecked crates. "But these look bludgeoned open. Every one."

  "A lot like the wall out back seemed to be smashed from the inside," Cosmo said.

  "Something trapped in here, looking for something to help them escape? Then finally they just bashed their way out?" Vex asked.

  Maybe. It still didn't make sense.

  They resumed their progress. The next room they came to held large stacks of newspapers along one wall, all neatly bound with twine. A raised, oil-stained platform seemed designed to hold some sort of machinery, but was completely empty.

  4

  Cosmo approached the platform and knelt down to study it. It was a curious mix of things. The oil stains were old, and this was exactly the sort of thing his gnomish upbringing was good for. They were around twenty years of age, since they'd sunk into the stone.

  Of around that same age were the magicity connectors. Once upon a time a proper bit of machinery had been installed here, and then it was replaced by something magicity-powered— and now that newer machine was gone. Missing.

  "This is starting to make sense," Cosmo said.

  "Glad it is to somebody. I was hoping for some monsters or treasure chests, or something. What's a spooky old building without lots of treasure?" Vex said, pacing back and forth with her tail lashing violently.

  Cosmo didn't actually want her to participate in conversation. Sometimes things worked best when it was just you talking.

  "The queen told me to beware the free press. I wasn't sure what she meant at the time, and yet here we are, in a building where something has broken out. Paper and ink has been scavenged, and the press is missing," Cosmo said.

  "You think it just ... what? Wandered off? The printing press? Decided it was tired of being bolted to the floor and it would be a lot more fun to run around terrorizing the city?"

  "I don't know what it's after, but yes, that is exactly what I think happened. It fits what we're seeing. In engineering, when you're trying to solve a problem, you look at all the side-effects and go back to a cause," Cosmo said.

  Vex rolled her eyes as she continued to pace. "Then I bet we know what deterred the thieves."

  As if on cue there was a clatter from the other end of the room. Cosmo and Vex looked towards the entrance.

  The printing press was a mix of greenish metal parts. Rollers studded with letters looked almost like teeth, and a string of tangled papers resembled a lolling tongue. It was shifting its weight from one set of legs to the other, looking rather like one very excitable puppy.

  A very dangerous, excitable metal puppy.

  Cosmo froze, hoping that standing very, very still worked—based on the theory that maybe magical printing presses were a bit like bears. As survival strategies went it proved a poor one. The press lumbered towards him.

  Vex's survival strategy worked a little better. She ran past, grabbing Cosmo by the collar, and half-carried, half-dragged him along behind her. The press was blocking the main door, but a room labeled "Archives" was off to one side.

  Vex pulled them through and slammed the door shut. Shelves lined the walls and Vex released Cosmo before she pulled one across, blockading the door. The wall shook as something bashed against it on the other side.

  "You're strong," Cosmo said.

  "Demonblood," Vex said with a flashy smile. "Good for something."

  The door shook alarmingly again, although it seemed to be holding.

  "Can it get through?" Cosmo asked.

  "It bashed through a brick wall. I bet it can, if it's determined enough. Hopefully it loses interest," Vex said.

  The archives room was more dimly lit. The lines of shelves were filled with neatly filed copies of papers.

  "So anything else the demonblood does for you?" Cosmo asked.

  "This is about the whole succubus thing, isn't it? It always comes up. Nothing gets a man interested quite like my being a sex-starved demonic hottie," Vex said.

  "Err ... I mean, we gnomes don't really ..." Cosmo said.

  Vex stared at Cosmo doubtfully for several long moments before shrugging. "Okay, we'll see. That is kind of all true though. Charm, strength, immune to fire, and some innate magic with illusion."

  That was commonplace in the six-sided world. Race governed more than just someone's physical appearance, it came with a great many innate capabilities or magical potentials. Still more came from your choice of class, religion, even your alignment to good or evil.

  "I don't trust magic. It's unpredictable and dangerous. That thing out there is proof of that. Leave magicity hooked up to a printing press for twenty years, abandon the place, and soon the machine decides to turn itself into some sort of demonic hound," Cosmo said.

  Vex cleared her throat and tapped her foot pointedly.

  "More like an angelic hound," Cosmo said glibly, trying to deliver another one of those best smiles.

  "Better," Vex said. "Can't trust angels. All those glowing auras. What kind of people think they need to glow just to prove they're better than you? Aren't some gnomes big on magic?"

  Cosmo moved around the room, poking at the shelves and glancing at the occasional newspaper. "It's a bit like humans with their politics and nations. Or you and angels. Some of us like magic, and some of us have good sense and don't, and we get into a lot of arguments about it."

  The most recent newspapers seemed preoccupied with the Assembly, and not in a good way. There had been an offer from Brightpip to fully join with their state and it had gone up to a public vote. Given the number of demonspawn in the city, it had been expected the vote would fail. Instead it succeeded—not that it had ever come to pass. It had been quite the scandal back in the day.

  A tarpaulin covered something in one corner and Cosmo pulled it back. Ah, this was more like it.

  "Beautiful," Cosmo said.

  "Thank you, I really am. You're really rather perceptive," Vex said, before seeing where he was looking. "Oh."

  It was a mechanical press—the original installation. The gear-work was impressive, and the cogs were clearly of a gnomish design. While it had been years out of use, it had been stored properly. Someone had loved this press, once.

  "I can get this working," Cosmo said.

  "If we live," Vex said.

  "I've got an idea about that. Go ahead and clear the door."

  Vex gave him a dubious look. "Really, boss?"

  It was all about holding the right cards. Cosmo was starting to think he held some of the right ones.

  5

  Vex pushed the bookshelf out of the way with one hand. She really did make that look far too easy.

  "We're coming out," Cosmo called loudly. Grabbing the keys from his pocket, he opened up the door.

  T
he rogue printing press was waiting on the other side. It had retreated to the platform and was hopping madly from leg to leg.

  Cosmo shook the keys, letting the rattle fill the space. The press lacked ears so it might be a useless gesture, but then again it seemed to be getting around pretty well without eyes.

  "I'm the Chief Editor. I'm in charge of the paper. I belong here," Cosmo said.

  Magic might be unreliable, and Cosmo hated it, but he'd learned enough to understand certain aspects of it. It played by the rules—except in ways nobody would imagine. If the press had once been tasked with printing the news, working in the service of this place, those impulses didn't go away just because all the people did. That was the problem with magic. It was all very fine for a magical stove to cook a meal. When it got bored and started cooking the neighbors, you had problems.

  The press hopped from one leg to another some more, then began running around in circles as if chasing an invisible tail, before it retreated at high speed down the hall.

  "Huh. That worked," Vex said.

  "Actually, I thought it would do a little more sticking around and a lot less running away," Cosmo said.

  "Call a half win a full win?" Vex asked.

  "Story of my life. Well, with that out of the way, can you help me something? I want to get that mechanical press in storage out here. Without you I'd have to find some golems," Cosmo said.

  "I'm not actually a golem," Vex grumbled, but went back into the room.

  The demoness was strong, but the mechanical press was massive and heavy. It took a half hour and a great deal of very inventive demonic cursing before it was placed on the platform.

  "I thought this job would be a little more about irritating people in power and a little less heavy lifting," Vex said with a huff.

  "We'll get around to it. I want to see if I can get this thing running again. Look through that paperwork we discussed and see what you can find," Cosmo said.

  "You're pretty bossy when you get comfortable with things," Vex said.

  "We don't get this done, the queen will have your head. She knows how to inspire," Cosmo said.

  "She does that," Vex said, before wandering off.

  Cosmo almost lost track of time during the next few hours. This was where he felt most complete, when he was working on something. When figuring out how all the little pieces fit together with all the even littler pieces.

  Wooden blocks had been carefully placed to prevent cogs from turning, protecting the machine from damage in moving. Clearing them out required a deft touch, as did then oiling gears allowed to sit for years.

  Cosmo thought it would work, but he didn't have any way to test it. The entire thing was powered by a crank that stored tension in a spring, and he simply wasn't large enough or strong enough to turn it. Given the size and placement, he thought a golem must have originally done that.

  Cosmo thought that hours had passed, but it was hard to tell in this place. The constant lighting and lack of windows left no way to know the time.

  Cosmo found Vex in one of the offices. It looked as if she'd raided the liquor cabinet, a few empty bottles surrounding her, and a pile of paperwork in front of her.

  "Having fun?" Cosmo asked.

  "Failing to get drunk in company is all in good fun. Failing to get drunk while doing research is just sad. We're going to get to making trouble soon, right?" Vex asked, plaintively hopeful.

  Cosmo climbed onto a chair. It was human-sized and so this was a bit of an effort, leaving his legs dangling off the edge.

  "Hope so. Depends on you. What do you have for me?" Cosmo asked.

  "The paper brought in coin from advertising. Some paid in advance and those people we theoretically owe money as a refund, so we don't want to talk with them," Vex said.

  "Double check to make sure they don't owe the paper more than the paper owes them. I trust there are some debtors though?"

  "Most of the merchant district had accounts in the day, and the big players all had credit and time to pay. Some of them have shut down, but there's enough outstanding here for us to do something with," Vex said.

  "How much?"

  "I'm not an accountant. I think from what I'm looking at it's over a thousand crowns," Vex said.

  Cosmo felt a dizzying sensation wash over him that was part panicked yelp, and part laugh. It was more money than he'd ever had.

  "Well, we will certainly have to collect that. Yes, we will," Cosmo said, and tried to resist the urge to rub his hands together.

  Vex grinned at him, the grin of someone else who was poor and knew exactly what Cosmo must be thinking. "Right on, boss."

  It wasn't just a matter of expenses though.

  "What about employees?" Cosmo asked.

  "I've got a list. I suggest we start with the heads of each department and work our way down."

  Cosmo took a moment to appreciate that, if he was rather bossy, in turn Vex was pretty good at anticipating his needs. They already made a good team.

  "We'll pick this up in the morning. It must already be getting late," Cosmo said.

  "Got a place? If not, you can crash at mine," Vex said.

  Cosmo thought of the few coins in his pouch. They'd get him a room at a tavern or inn, but he'd rather save them.

  "Thanks," Cosmo said.

  6

  The Deeps was the city beneath the city. Pipopolis on the surface was grimy and soot-stained stone in the light of day. Beneath the ground it was gleaming edifices of brass and stone that shone with brilliance in the dark.

  The darkness was home to a great many of the races that preferred it—dwarves and trolls, in addition to the more demonic citizenry.

  They weren't headed into one of the nicer neighborhoods. Instead of gleaming brass there was crumbling stonework, and rather than demons in brilliantly colored and fancy attire, they were dressed mostly in more muted tones, and in cloth fraying about the edges.

  "So this is home is it?" Cosmo asked. "It's all very ... dark."

  "That was the original design of Pipopolis. When light and dark came together the one went underground and the other on the surface," Vex said.

  "And you just decided to keep it up, generations after?"

  Vex shrugged. "I like the sun, but this is home. I try to get away and always seem to wind up coming back."

  A building on the corner of one block had a prominent sign, "Thieves Guild. Now recruiting. Inquire Within".

  "Not very subtle about it, are they?" Cosmo asked.

  "No need to be. Guilds all pay their taxes. I thought about being a thief once. They're popular down here and one of the larger adventuring guilds in the city," Vex said.

  Adventuring, it was a horrible way to live your life. Going from place to place, accepting quests, facing off against death traps and monsters and all sorts of unpleasantness.

  "You don't seem like you'd be happy operating in the shadows," Cosmo said.

  Vex considered that for a moment. "Guess not. Maybe it is part of being a succubus, maybe it is just me. I like being seen, I like being known. Not that I'm very good at it. I mean, great at the being seen, not so much the known."

  Cosmo looked up at Vex. Her expression was pensive. "That why you're helping me? You know I'm probably not going to make you famous. I'm likely going to get myself killed or I'll run away."

  Before answering him, Vex headed into an alley off the main thoroughfare, a twisty dark passage that ended in a battered door.

  Vex flicked her hand after entering and a few candles scattered around the room burst into flame. The interior was homey, if cramped, and almost every square inch of surface was covered with books piled high.

  She said, "You're trying, though. You aren't acting like someone that intends to blow it off. You sense the same thing I do. Opportunity." Vex stretched herself.

  Cosmo was still trying to get a proper judge of Vex. It seemed clear that she was after an opportunity, just like him. But where was the best source of that opportunity? Working
with him, or against him?

  "Can I trust you?" Cosmo asked.

  It seemed a horrible question, but it was usually worthwhile. Oftentimes those the most obsessed with truth would be the ones giving the most noncommittal answers.

  "I'm a succubus, boss. That isn't just about sex, I mean it literally is, but it sort of figuratively is too? You pick your partner, and you make sure it's mutually beneficial. If all goes right everybody walks away satisfied," Vex said, making her way to a cupboard, pulling out two mugs, and filling one with a dark ale, the other barely getting any.

  The lesser mug was offered to Cosmo who accepted it and took a sip. Bitter and strong, it was still healthier than trying to drink the local water.

  "So you pick a dance partner with absolutely zero interest in sex and only recently released from prison?" Cosmo said.

  "You'd be amazed how much those two usually are mutually contradictory. I read people—again, it's part of the whole succubus deal and I read people. I sat in that palace for over a week watching the queen and you know what I saw?" Vex asked.

  "A lot of stuffy elves?" Cosmo asked, finding a place to sit. What looked like a firm chair proved more plush than he'd have believed and he almost vanished into it.

  "Well, I mean, yes. But there's a big palace full of people just expecting the queen to fail. The rumor is that her family pretty much exiled her here, and while the servants all bow and scrape, they don't really mean it," Vex said, taking a seat of her own, and another gesture of her hand igniting a fire in a small hearth.

  "Didn't seem that disrespected when she was threatening to kill me," Cosmo said.

  "Oh, I mean they'll totally do things they want to do, and killing some conman of a gnome who poisoned a lot of a villagers totally qualifies," Vex said.

  "I cured them. I did. Those were healthy toads."

  "Right. Don't actually care about the toads. Nobody cares about the toads. The thing is, most of those stuffy elves are competent. They ask the right questions and the queen looks bored as hell, like she isn't even paying attention," Vex said.